The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
