On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.