First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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