I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
