this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
