Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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