I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
FUCK WHALES
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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