ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
