I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways