i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..