I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Randomize
