mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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