there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
