I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
