I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Terrible idea I love it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
