Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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