Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
