how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
