I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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