theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
