Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
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I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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