I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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