the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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