I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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