There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
