she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
