you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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