Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
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I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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