She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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