history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
