dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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