So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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