She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
