Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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