Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
