I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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