Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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