after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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