I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
