six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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