Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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