when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today