Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.