I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.