Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
