Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I had to cum in my sink.
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