so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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