i just had sex bonerless
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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