Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize