just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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