JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize