Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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