I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
did i walk over a car last night?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
