I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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