I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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