My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
