if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize